When everything had been emptied, either lost or thrown away
And there was just the vacuum of space and time
I moved through this like a visitor
Nothing allowed to sink in to deep anymore
Hardened inside
Anything let in would get sucked into oblivion
floating in space orbiting a remembered reality
was that really reality, did that really happen, was that real?
Hermetically sealed air tight astronaut suit surface
onion skin layers separating
these inner thoughts....these inner thoughts
me, my world and dreams
my wants and needs
hopes and scenes
dormant but alive
when a sensory stimulus
a scent
the warm sky and wind with a hint of chill that blows in early autumn
that light the autumn light color of light golden light the end of summer end of innocence light
trying to remember the last time we touched
oceans away
waves roll in my thoughts
when one of these five senses reaches through the layers
and I remember everything
The need to find the right words that secret combination to unlock the feelings inside
Why do you hide you loved me once what happened you used to be alright
no coherence
Just the same always the same unsettled uneasy anxiety
of not being real
not really me
an astronaut suit
a vacuum inside
let me in let me out
I remember everything


You held my hand and told me you were wet
When I told you I was hard
You told me to tell you to come to school without wearing underwear
under your dress
but there is no way you only wanted this physical act
the sex
the words whispered in the dark
in French and I asked what you said, and you said,
You really want me
I did. I do. I will.
Our shapes, our sex, in a dim blue light.
When I held a book in the dark and you took my hands, holding the book, and opened it, and it became a light.
We made love.
If hope can grow from dirt like me
It can be done.
No, it wasn't that, the sex act, or only that, unfinished.
I don't believe
Not for me at least.
You told me how bad you would feel about your in-laws
Betraying the extended family, parents, siblings, not just the children in your own home
I said I know what you mean.
We were as close as we... Well, I can only speak for me... As close as I'll ever be to that other side. A parallel life. All the life we could have had. It was in our hands. That's quite a thought to have.


There were jars of thoughts and yogi tea bag messages and post-it notes and a wink across the patio and a bridge and books and books of poems and poems of words and songs acoustic guitar songs and a supermarket parking lot that rainy day and in jeans and the miracle meeting in the desigual dress with the blue bra with a bow peaking out in a mango shop in Bon Aire the day of the miracle meeting which was seriously truly a miracle and a sign from the gods and we knew it and felt it in those long looks long after over green teas and ham sandwiches and stolen book book days and you didn't want to get your hair wet and wore a dress in the sea and we lay down in the park by a tree, to see how it would be, to be horizontal, that day I gave you a little book called The Kiss and we did... I remember it all and always will be and it was real and will never happen again, for me, at least, but you, you, I thought I knew you, but you I cannot judge, and you, you thought you knew me, whispering underneath your breath, shake your head, and pretend you didn't read this, ignoring feelings and wishing I would stop feeling


Let it go let it pass let it bleed
The deepest part of me
Unblock this misery
Act deaf and blind
But you can't hide from your mind
Memories of lies
To reach this desire
In your eyes
The desire
Arms and legs
Twisted and twirling
The connection
Of the gods
And only our own souls
Our own lonely souls
Selfishly helplessly
Beyond desire
And into the fire
Of futures burning
For you
Who was one
Of two, too
I wasn't alone
In this
Though you seem to wish
It true
It can never be
Always the memory
No matter how lonely
This only soul
Knows this is true
Knows this will always be


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